With this being the week after a holiday (and, for many, the first day back after a long weekend), I thought something a little lighter might be in order for the blog. So today I feature another entry from John Hammond of AST Equity Plan Solutions and poet laureate of the NASPP blog.

The Email
By John Hammond

The email hit my inbox and I wept a tiny tear
The email that I knew would come had confirmed my greatest fears
The age of innocence long forgot – the days were simpler then
Back when I set foot in this place in 1997.

I was a stock vet of two years plus, hired on the spot
Seemed like a great deal at the time with the options that I got
The stock went nuts at first, but you know how it ends
I stuck it out when times got tough, me and several friends

When I started, I cleaned up shop–of the basics they were remiss
My stock plan shelves are sure to have a bobble-headed Elvis
And next to Elvis on that shelf in a spot almost as great
Is my stock plan procedure manual, a beacon strong and straight

And this manual has been wonderful, it helped through thick and thin
The three splits in two years were huge–the one stock swap that I did
It’s been exterminator–desk de-wobbler–I am so glad I penned it
A procedure manual’s a wonderful thing, I highly recommend it

Back to the beginning of my poem–that email that made me cry
Was from a woman in IA who’d like to watch me die
We have a history outside of work, a few years back we dated
Who knew a break up over fax would be so ill-fated

The email started innocent–“Hello John, How are you?”
But the subject line had told it all: “Procedural Review”
She knew I ran a loose ship, but she never seemed to catch me
And she’s tried a lot since getting the “it’s not you…it’s me” facsimile

In the past, IA looked at transactions and events
My captive broker dollars had been wonderfully spent
I showed them a SAS-70, though I know they never read it
I made that mistake a few years back and thoroughly regret it

She copied nine people on the email–of sarcasm I am a fan
(That’s how many people saw that fax before it hit her hands)
Of course she knew I’d get the jab–she even went one better
She wrote, “I really respect what you do”–a sentence from my letter

So each procedure she’ll review controls on how we do stuff
“The scandals have brought a greater need–no measure seems enough”
She’s been studying for a while to find my Achilles heel
She figured out procedures and I think my fate is sealed

See, that manual that I use so much…I am exaggerating
It was desk de-wobbler for 18 months, if I’m not mistaken
So she has me where she wants me–internal audit heaven
I must confess the last time they were changed was ’97

My excuses for not updating is like it is for many
We changed the way we did things just far too frequently
It always seemed best to wait until projects had finished
But then I’d start a bigger one and its importance would diminish

We’ve had 14 acquisitions, and sold five units in that time
We’ve had two broker changes and those projects were all mine
I’m making no excuses, you all know how I feel
It’s just my procedures have never been a very squeaky wheel

So the chess game has begun, but she already has my queen
The bishops, rooks and pawns and that little horsy thing
The meeting is in two days–checkmate’s what it’s about
Just trying to come up with any way…
                                                         that I could ask her out.

Check out John’s last poem, Anapestic Ballad for 83(b).

18th Annual NASPP Conference
Scheduled for Sept 20-23, the 18th Annual NASPP Conference is timed perfectly to help our members prepare for mandatory Say-on-Pay. Just announced–we’ve added a special Say-on-Pay track, featuring key advice and real-world strategies from in-the-know practitioners. Register for the Conference today.

NASPP New Member Referral Program
Refer new members to the NASPP and your NASPP Conference registration could be free.  You can save $150 off your registration for each new member you refer, up to the full cost of registration. You’ll also be entered into a raffle for an Apple iPad and the new members you refer save 50% on their membership–it’s a win-win!   

NASPP “To Do” List
We have so much going on here at the NASPP that it can be hard to keep track of it all, so I keep an ongoing “to do” list for you here in my blog. 

• Register for the 18th Annual NASPP Conference.
• Refer new members to the NASPP so you qualify for the July raffle and Conference discount available in our New Member Referral Program.
• Complete the Compliance-O-Meter quiz on Resourcefulness.
• Take the “Question of the Week” challenge.
• Renew your NASPP membership for 2010 (if you aren’t an NASPP member, join today).
• Don’t miss next Tuesday’s local chapter meetings in Chicago and Denver.

– Barbara